Soul crushing loneliness and realisations and fears come crashing down upon me keeping sleep at bay. I go for cigarettes hoping to calm myself but the deathly silence of this bullshit little cul-de-sac I live in angers and scares me. They all sleep warm comfortable in their beds whilst I pace the street mind moving a mile a minute. Ignorance is bliss. I wish I could dull the contempt and vicious hatred I have for myself and I succeed in the day. But once the one person who can calm my troubled soul falls asleep I’m left to deal with them myself. It seems selfish to rely on a person so much but what can I say? I fell in love with my best friend. The most beautiful caring person I’ve ever encountered in my life. A literal diamond in the rough. She’s not like the others who hide behind false faces. Constantly judging, extending a hand of friendship whilst the other grips a knife to drive into my back the minute it is turned. I see the looks in people’s faces. They are all the same. No one cares about anyone. They look like they listen but they merely wait for their turn to speak. I fear the future. A future holds so many possibilities and the sheer size of these possibilities frightens me until the point where I cannot breathe. I feel as if I’m drowning some times. Others I feel like I watching myself conduct my day like I’m a sentient presence hanging above my physical self. I’m constantly racked with pains through out my body that sets off the hypochondriac in me thinking I’ve contracted a serious illness and that death will soon claim me. I’m probably wrong. I could be right. Fuck I’m rambling now. The tiredness is getting to me. Ill just say I’m trying to be better. I’m trying to see things less pessimistically and build up the self confidence I once commanded without thought or problems when I was younger. If you read this baby doll try not to worry I just needed to vent. I love you beautiful. More than anyone and more than you know. I can’t wait to sleep next to you again. In our bed. The one place I’m truly happy.
Can’t fucking sleep.
The Quick Brown Fox Jumps Over the Lazy Dog.
I feel like I’ve been preparing for this image all my life.
The internet is over, everyone can go home
It’s just as beautiful as I always imagined.
My life is complete.
Life is over as we know it
Then I remembered something about my wardrobe….
I. Found. Them. All. I’m one smart fucker. Hiding them from myself
and the worst thing about it was that I didn’t feel tragic at all, but only weary and sort of comfortably detached.